Family Ties

DATE: September 15, 2013
SCRIPTURE: Luke 14:25-33
©Rev. Alison J. Buttrick Patton

“Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple.” What does that leave? Who among us is prepared to turn our backs on our families? On the people we love? Sure, most of us have days when we’d like to get away from one family member or another, like Crazy Uncle Harry or Aunt Matilda. We may have relationships that are strained, even painful. Maybe we even even have relatives with whom we have not spoken in months or years.

But we are also people with strong family ties. We are parents and grandparents who fiercely love our children. We are women and men deeply committed to our partners. Those of us who have lost dear ones cherish their memory. Even those who find themselves entirely solo in the world have life: with all its hopes and possibilities.

But Jesus says that we must hate all of this. It’s shocking, confusing, heart-wrenching. Is this the same Jesus that we know and love? Jesus the shepherd, who lovingly tends his sheep; Jesus who said, ‘Let the children come to me,’ and provided the wine at a wedding banquet? Is this Jesus, who heard the frantic plea of a father and healed that man’s daughter; or Jesus, who wept with Mary and Martha when their brother Lazarus died, then restored him to life? Could this possibly be the same Jesus?

It would be easier to say, ‘no.’ To call this text an anomaly, a misprint, a poor translation; to say it was slipped in by some trouble-making early Christian when the compilers of holy scripture weren’t looking. But it’s not that easy. For one thing: it isn’t a complete anomaly. This is just one of several troubling texts that we find when we read the gospels, texts that disorient and unsettle us. And while it may be tempting to disregard them, to bracket them and say they don’t belong, I believe we have to take their inclusion seriously. We need to grapple with this troubling text, to listen for the wisdom it has to offer those of us trying to be faithful disciples and ask, where is the Good News here?

“Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife or husband…cannot be my disciple.” These words would have been as alarming to Jesus’ original listeners as they are to us. maybe more so. In first century Palestine, your family role completely defined you. It determined your social status, what decisions you could make and what responsibilities you had. As a father and husband, you had control over your household, and an obligation to care for everyone in it. As a wife, you had an obligation to your husband, and status according to the number of children you bore. As a brother, you had an obligation to the family of your brother. Should he die, you were expected to marry his widow and provide for his children. Family ties dictated everything about life.

So we can only imagine how heads must have turned, eyes popped and jaws dropped when Jesus uttered those lines about hating mother and father, sister and brother…

And that was the point. Jesus was going for shock value, using the strongest language he could summon to get the attention of his audience. “Have you been listening at all?? Do you have any idea what you are getting into here? Have you even considered the cost? Following me is no picnic. It will cost you everything you’ve got. Everything.”

“Therefore, none of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions.”

Jesus was talking about letting go. Letting go of the things we possess — that possess us, the things that distract or deter us from loving God with our whole heart and soul and mind and strength. Because holding on to anything too tightly is a form of idolatry — even when the thing I am holding onto is my son’s hand or a grandmother’s memory. We stumble into idolatry any time we place something that is not God at the very center of our lives, and anytime we confuse our power with God’s power — as in, “I have control over this situation, this family, this life. I can take care of things.” Jesus had to use such strong language to get the attention of his audience because their lives and relationships, their family ties, left so little room for God.

But, did he mean it, what he said about hating family? I think, yes… and no.

Yes: Jesus did insist, again and again, that to be a disciple we need to leave everything else behind: leave your nets; let the dead bury the dead; sell your possessions; follow me. Just five chapters back in the Gospel of Luke, Jesus declares, “Those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it.” (Luke 9:24; cf Matthew 16:25) Let it go, he says. Let it all go.

At the same time, we worship a God who is not a tyrant, and Jesus is no ogre. He is the same Jesus who made wine at a wedding, welcomed children and wept over the death of a beloved friend. The same man who proclaimed, “I have come that you might have life, and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

THAT’S the promise. Not that we shall be left penniless, heart-broken and alone; not that we shall be stripped of all we hold dear, but that we will have abundant life. So how exactly does that work? How is it that we might shun everything, our parents, spouses, children, our very lives, and end up with life in abundance?

Jesus once told a very short parable that goes like this: On finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it. (Matthew 13:46)

In a modern retelling of the parable, that man asks the merchant, “How much does this pearl cost?” “It is very costly,” replies the merchant. But anyone can afford it.” “How much, then?” repeats the man. “Everything you have.” The man considers this price. He thinks about his land, his home and all his possessions. Finally, he agrees. He pays the merchant, who hands over the precious pearl, along with all that the man has just given in payment. “Take this back,” says the merchant. “Look after it. But remember that it belongs to me, and I may ask for it at any time.”

And there is the linchpin, a key to unlocking this troublesome text: this isn’t a zero-sum game. We don’t lose everything when we turn our lives over to God. We receive it all back, one thousand fold. Only this time, we know: it is all on loan.

Our children are not ours — to control, or to shape in our own image.

The earth is not ours — to exploit, nor its resources ours to consume without care.

Our possessions are not ours; we did not earn them.

Our lives are NOT ours…

They all belong to God – and that’s the challenge: to hand them all over, and then to receive them again; to take them into our care and keeping and to love them without possessing them – to love this earth, to love our parents, partners, children, siblings – not because they belong to us, but because they belong to God.

And then, to love our neighbor and the stranger — in equal measure, because we are ALL bound by the same family ties.

Sisters and Brothers in Christ, I don’t know about you, but I am not there yet. My world is still too small; my heart forgets that it has the capacity to love beyond the perimeter of my own home and family; my gut still suspects that it is a zero-sum game. And I live with the fear that letting go might mean losing something precious. Maybe you do, too?

It takes time, this learning to be a disciple, time and trust. (Thank God our God is worthy of such trust!) May God grant us open hands, open hearts, and courage to give it everything we’ve got. AMEN.

Scripture Texts

Luke 14:25-33

25 Now large crowds were traveling with him; and he turned and said to them, 26 “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. 27 Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. 28 For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether he has enough to complete it? 29 Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it will begin to ridicule him, 30 saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’ 31 Or what king, going out to wage war against another king, will not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to oppose the one who comes against him with twenty thousand? 32 If he cannot, then, while the other is still far away, he sends a delegation and asks for the terms of peace. 33 So therefore, none of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions.